Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

I have recently got out of a damaging relationship which I now can clearly see was abusive. My ex was incredibly clever at psychologically manipulating me to believe that I was the problem and he tried really hard to convince me that his treatment was my fault - including all sorts of different tactics. He was like two entirely different people - one minute he could be the most loving, wonderful, amazing boyfriend whom I genuinely believed adored me... then with no warning he would suddenly change into a monster who frightened, confused and intimidated me. I was tiptoeing on eggshells around him trying to predict and avoid saying or doing anything that might set him off. Other times it felt like we were passionately in love and we would talk about the wonderful things we would do together in the future. It was incredibly confusing. I didn't know which one was the real him. His demeanour could change in an instant. I was so lucky that I happened to meet a lady who works for Women's Aid and she encouraged me to take his behaviour seriously and seek help. In the 3 weeks since breaking up with him, I have been tempted to get back in contact with him so many times and I have to fight to stay strong and not give in to that urge. It is almost a craving, like breaking an addiction. What I've learned is that I was caught in a trap of 'trauma bonding' which essentially explains why abused women go back to their abusive partners telling themselves he will change. You become emotionally dependent on the one who flies into a rage and terrifies you one minute, then makes you believe it was all your fault and makes YOU feel guilty so you end up being the one to apologise (for something you haven't done), to calm him down and because you are so upset and emotionally raw you cling to him because he's the one you have become emotionally dependent on. You are addicted to the good feelings of when he chooses to be loving and kind to you. Unfortunately, over time, you have to work harder and harder to try to win back that love and affection which he once showered you with. Once he has worn you down he starts to punish you more and more often, making you feel more and more insecure but, crazily you feel like you couldn't cope without him. I know it sounds messed up but there is real science behind how this happens. It is very similar to Stockholm Syndrome in which hostages become attached to their captors. This book has helped me and is continuing to help me to stay strong every day. When I have weak moments of missing my ex, I turn back to this book. I know eventually I will build myself back up and become strong again and that over time the urge to go back to this man will lessen. Although I have done many, many hours of my own research and already consider myself well informed, this book has lifted a veil and shown me SO much more than I could ever have discovered for myself online. Reading it is like a string of massive 'Aha' moments when all the different jigsaw pieces finally fit together and you finally start to see the overall picture. This book has been a total revelation to me. Don't be put off by the size of this book - it is very easily readable and the information is presented in a very clear and easy to follow format. It also works well as a book to just dip in and out of as there are gems on every page! It has been a real shock to me as it has gradually dawned on me that the man I believed truly adored me and only wanted to make me happy (as he claimed over and over), and who treated me like a princess in the beginning, was perhaps not the man I thought he was. I made excuses for his behaviour as I believed he was the one suffering and traumatised as a result of having experienced the traumatic, violent childhood he described to me. I did everything I could to always give him the benefit of the doubt, to try to rationalise and understand why he acted the way he did, and I tried so hard to make the relationship work as if it were my job and my job alone. I stuck with him for as long as I did because I thought that was what you do when you love someone and I believed that in time he would get better. In fact he never took any responsibility for his behaviour and the effect it had on me as he was never interested in listening to me - he was only interested in forcing me to listen to him over and over whilst whenever I tried to speak he shut me down. Had I not found this book I don't know whether I would have had the strength not to go back to him and allow the cycle of abuse to go on and get worse. Perhaps I might have fallen back into the trap of listening to the manipulative and clever lies he fed me and coming round to believing his story and invalidating my own. Unfortunately women such as myself make the easiest targets; we are typically very sensitive to others' needs, extremely compassionate, caring, usually we seek to understand the motivation behind another's behaviour instead of to judge and we tend to give others the benefit of the doubt over and above honouring our own needs. We also have a tendency to doubt ourselves and we frequently have low self-esteem which can be born out of having had to try to please our primary caregivers as children to try to win their approval and love and never having experienced enough love and affection as children. Unfortunately, getting into a relationship with a man who turns out to be an abuser lowers our self-belief and self-esteem further, making it harder and harder to get out. I advise anyone and everyone to read this book - men and women alike. I am impressed by how the author never slips into the pitfall of demonising abusive men or implying that they are bad or evil people - which would be an easy thing to do. He points out that while of course they are human too, that doesn't mean that are ever *any* excuses for their behaviour. He reveals how men who fall into this category are very seldom willing to take responsibility for their behaviour and its terribly damaging effect on those who fall victim to it, instead they make excuses and usually choose to blame the other person. I feel the most enlightening part of all is that he reveals that deep down, the causal factor behind most of this abuse is the culture some men have grown up in: a culture of masculine entitlement and belittling of women. They think they are entitled to have *their* needs met by women, to the point of almost objectifying them, and not to consider her needs or feelings. Some of them are even devoid of empathy. But they are not born that way. Overall it's these deeply ingrained cultural attitudes that need to change - and each of us has an important role to play in doing something about it.

This book is really (without exaggeration) useful for almost everyone, it can help you avoid abusive relationships in the future or deal with the aftermath of those in the past, as well as helping those who are or in abusive relationships at the moment. It can also help those who know domestic abuse victims to understand what is happening and why. It brings clarity and understanding. It is a book that looks at abusers and asks why they do what they do and how they do it, not a book that looks at victims and tries to explain their actions. That is really important. It also cuts through myths and lies and well-meaning but harmful nonsense. It is twenty years since I left my abuser but still reading this has had a powerful and positive affect on me. My primary feelings are that of vindication and relief. Deep down there was a part of me that blamed myself, and part of that was the lack of real condemnation of his actions by some mutual friends and outright scapegoating of myself by his parents. This book made me understand that this was always about him, and that all the gaslighting and manipulation (which led to more lasting psychological damage than the physical abuse) was real, that I can and should believe and trust my instincts and understanding of the world. It has also helped me to realise that seemingly nonsensical behaviour by my abuser had actual reasons behind it, and that some behaviour I hadn’t spotted was also manipulative and abusive. It has helped me see how and why he wanted to and was able to mess up my head so badly, pulling strings I didn’t even see to create the outcome he wanted. As cliched as it sounds I feel like I’ve had a huge weight or shadow removed, that I can breathe a little easier. It is, in some ways, an easy book to read, it is well written and structured in ways that make it easy to comprehend, obviously emotionally it could be very difficult, especially if you are in an abusive relationship at the moment. I honestly believe this book should be given and/or taught to all children in schools, to help prevent people getting sucked into an abusive relationship, to highlight warning signs and help understand what is happening. It also absolutely should be read by those involved in family courts.

I was in an abusive relationship of 7 years until 18 months ago when I finally left my ex for good. I credit this book for giving me the final push I needed to leave. I bought this in 2012 initially as research material for my Uni dissertation which I was writing on domestic abuse in the media. I read this cover to cover and was knocked over by the accuracy and detailed descriptions it contains. Please be away that it's originally published in America and as such the legal side and access to organisations will not apply in the uk. But the rest applies regardless of the country you are in. It has been very well written for the everyday victim, with no hard to understand jargon, the subject matter is very well researched and shows great insight by the author. There are in depth explanations on the types of abusers and the various methods of treatments including how affective they are and what the flaws are, also focusing on what to take note of as a victim dealing with these treatment methods for abusers. I can honestly say that this book saved my life, my abuser was getting increasingly violent as the years went on and his preferred method of torture was strangulation. I was frightened for my life every time he got upset, knowing how easy it would be for him to 'accidentally' kill me when he strangled me, he'd already made me lose consciousness on too many occasions. Once I read this book I realised that he would never change and he couldn't get help (adequate treatment in the uk is non existent) and the only way to ensure my safety was to leave. Once I'd left I read this book many more times, during the hard times when I was tempted to return to my abuser this book helped me to see that going back would achieve nothing, my absence would not have made him realise he'd done wrong. He told me over and again after I'd left that he realised he was awful to have treated me the way he had and that he'd truly changed and would never treat another person that way. He got a new partner 6 months ago and surprise surprise, he's at it again, treating her exactly as he did me

I was a bit skeptical about this book. There was a guy that I couldn't understand and his behaviour towards me was always like he was 2 people, one of them charming and cute, the other one driving me mad. At one point I couldn't take that any more and decided to leave but had constant doubts if it was right - still remembering how good I felt with the nice one. I would never have called him "abusive" though. He's never intimidated me physically, he's never even raised his voice. He is always polite, sticks to the norms, doesn't argue - how can that be abuse? Yet, when I was reading this book it was like walking out of the fog. I've recognized so many patterns I've lost the count. I finally realized why he treats slightly better our mutual friends. Most importantly though, I realized how this could have ended - because of the way abuse tends to escalate. This book is based on a solid research (the author worked with over 2000 abusive men AND their partners), has fantastic "real world" examples where you can really recognize yourself. It's definitely not like some of the self-help books, reiterating over and over again similar mantras and giving you silver bullets for solving all the problems. It may be difficult to take in because of one message - if you happen to be with a truly abusive man, chances that he'll change are slim, and that is even if he works with professionals. It also explains why it is so unlikely, how to recognize signs of this in advance, and how to recognize if he really is changing. Buy this book no matter what's your situation. If you never met an abusive man - it will help you recognize and avoid him in the future. If you're in the relationship and have doubts - it will help you understand what's happening and most importantly, why. If you already left but still have doubts - it will help you believe it was the right choice. If you're a man, or a girl in a happy relationship, still buy this book - it's important that more people understand how abusers work to be able to support abused women. Mine was a really mild case, if I may put it this way, and luckily he happened to mistreat other people a bit as well - yet I still needed support from other people to confirm "yes, it's not you, it's him". I can't imagine how it feels to be left all alone, with everybody saying "he's such a nice guy, what's your problem" - and after reading this book you'll understand how easy it is for friends to fall into this trap.

When my wife left me she wrote to my friends alleging that I had been the abuser and she recommended this book. Friends passed me her emails, so I knew about it. Eventually I gained the courage to buy a copy and to read it, I began looking at the descriptions of abusive personalities. I looked for myself in the book. I needed to know what I needed to do about my problems. Yet however hard I looked I didn't find myself portrayed there. Then I swopped the genders around and read the personalities chapter again, wondering whether my wife was portrayed there. What I found shocked me to the core. She was very clearly portrayed - the "Water Torturer" I think she was called - it jumped out of me as a description of her! Bancroft explained how she had turned the tables on me and had people believing I was the abuser, not her! I had spent 30 months keeping a diary, making notes about her behaviour and what she said to me. Everything made sense now, but working in the healthcare sector and counselling clients herself, she knew exactly what to do to cover her tracks. She had got advice from a counsellor colleague, alleging that she was being abused. That was not the case, I was simply trying to cope with her, but she deliberately drove me to a point where, rather than backing-off and either locking myself away in a room or getting out of the house for some peace, which happened regularly, I pushed her out of the house, telling her to discuss with her parents the incredibly offensive things she had said about a member of my family. (She actively isolated me from my friends and my family). This I admitted to police might have created some bruising, but they had no forensic evidence whatsoever. She had her case against me and she used it to go to the police. Although I agreed there may have been some bruising it did not go to court because I was able to demonstrate how so many of the allegations she made were false or most grossly exaggerated. During questioning I verbally referred to my diary entries. My lawyer was amazed it did not go to court, but they cautioned me because I admitted I had pushed her out. In one way I wish it had gone to court, because my diary would have become public knowledge and as a care professional she would have been exposed to the world for what she did. Over two years on since the split I am still coming to terms with it. I wasn't perfect, not at all, but my diary reminds me that she was the abuser. She still works in the caring professions - that is what horrifies me, but that seems to be commonplace. When I gently told her father about the abuse, my ex went to the police complaining of harrassment - the police quickly backed off when I complained about their conduct, but they have yet to see my date-auditable diary and they take no interest in questioning my ex-wife. The reality is that some policemen still do not believe men are abused by their partners. I shall keep my diary, it is my protection. So men, you might also find this book useful. Lundy Bancroft mentions in his introduction that women can also be abusers. My generalised advice about what to do if you find yourself with with Lundy's "dripping tap". Get out of the relationship before it drives you mad! Men, you must contact The Mankind Initiative before going to the police.

I felt overwhelmed to realise I am experiencing abuse - several types. I've been married a long time. I had never heard of financial abuse coming under domestic violence. I have also experienced "Gaslighting". I am more recently aware of him trying to confuse me. On top of that I have experienced physical abuse. From reading this book I've come to realise I am experiencing physical intimidation too.Of late he has said he "doesn't remember" or he "was zoned out"when he gets physical,I know he's lying. He minimizes to deflect from himself. I'm much more aware of things he says/does & why,the manipulation. I can see some of the many ways he can be controlling. This book has been an eye opener. I'm feeling sad at the moment & quite vulnerable,but I'm more informed now. The different tactics my husband uses have in the past made me feel confused. I realise I need to trust ME more. Trust my own gut! I would highly recommend this book. You're not alone if you need to read this book,big hug,talk to someone. updated 11/06/2013. I plucked up the courage to ring a self refer service - Open Door, to get some "talking support/help" in my local area, it meant I didn't have the distress of going to the Dr's (although my GP is approachable). As a result I've had a appointment with someone to get some support. She said I am experiencing abuse - cried. I feel very vulnerable but a little stronger from speaking out. She said financial abuse & intimidation often escalate, I cried. But she is going to look into my options for me in case I need it. At the moment I feel too overwhelmed to deal with this information - she said she'll hang onto it until I feel ready to look at it.But I feel better. Part of the way I feel is in not being heard. The fact that she "listened AND heard made me feel I have more control & a voice. Still feeling v sad, washed out too - the appointment drained me. BUT, TO ANYONE IN THE SAME BOAT, make a call, I've felt so shaky in myself, worried I was "loosing it", having panic attacks, feeling low - even thinking did I want to be here? at one point, upset tummy & my confidence is low. My situation feels harder because I am disabled, my hubby is my carer. So if I can reach out, with the added extra worries of a disability, then so can you. This book has been one of the best books I have ever bought. My eyes are open.

I bought this book over a year ago and am leaving a review now that I have made huge changes to my life and have come out the other side a much happier, healthier, more confident version of myself. If you suspect that what is going on in your marriage is not right then you owe it to yourself to buy this book. It will not be an easy read, for me it was utterly devastating the first time I picked it up as it immediately confirmed that what I knew in my heart, but had not had the confidence to voice- was right...that my husband was emotionally and verbally abusing me. Having a baby daughter 3 months before had given me the strength to face up to the problem that would never go away. I had felt so worthless, that I did not matter, but having her changed my outlook. She mattered and I could not imagine allowing her to grow up in an environment where she would believe that it was acceptable to scream obscenities in your wife's face. Our relationship had always been a rollercoaster- the cycle of abuse that no matter whatever you try, you will never be free of unless you free yourself from your abuser. I had to stop reading it then, it was too much to cope with but it gave me the words to stand up for myself and to issue an ultimatum at the time- that if his behaviour did not change fundementally and profoundly- that I would leave. For a few months things improved as he was shocked that I could defend myself more articulately (by quoting parts of the book I had remembered) but of course old habits die hard and he slipped back into the pattern. This book describes in great detail the different personality types and he fitted "Mr Right" to a tee. I do not think he thought I would ever have the strength, will and confidence to leave him and I know that I got that from this book. Lundy Bancroft must have saved thousands of women in this way. I don't believe there can be a woman who has read this and chosen to stay. So this Summer, a little over a year after warning my husband that I would leave I did just that. He now admits that he would never have had the insight or the will to change himself had i not left. We have to talk everyday of course because of our daughter and I do not know what the future holds but I do know that I will never, ever be controlled, belittled, frightened or figuritively stamped on again. I am a renewed version of myself. I feel free and happy and relaxed (compared to living in a state of permenant anxiety, stress, worry, fear, the list goes on). You too could have a whole new life if you only find the strength to do it. This book is the best thing you will ever discover in that respect. These kinds of relationships are shockingly common but so few are willing to discuss what goes on behind closed doors. I had been collaborating in the abuse by covering it up for nearly 10 years; I had convinced myself that everything would be ok while knowing that I was wasting my life. Life is too short, please help yourself if you are in this situation. Start telling people, ask for help, buy this book. I can't recommend it highly enough. I bought two others on the same subject but never even opened them, this book will tell you everything you need to know. There is a better life waiting for you...

This book is a must for EVERY woman in a 'relationship', whether they feel it is abusive or not. It gives you all the answers that you didn't know you were asking but you just know you are confused and most of the time unhappy ,dissatisfied and sadly frightened. This book empowers you to question your relationship and demand change or if necessary END IT!!!! I would love this to be in some kind of course form like 'The Freedom Program. Having stayed in a number of women's refuges, received CBT counselling, sympathetic DV workers and reading articles and books, this book supercedes all. I'm only half way through but already I am no longer confused or sympathetic to the abuser and his manipulative, cunning wiles. My children and myself are no longer HIS victims but self determined individuals who are getting on with our lives and no longer need or care about the abusers wants or needs. The Abusers view you as a target and the children as weapons to abuse and control you further. They require none of your time or consideration. They must not have the normal rules of decent human being considerations applied to them, that's the mistake the nurturing, caring female makes. The abusers operate from a different set of axioms to the rest of us that we heretherto where unaware of. Once you know their axioms you will no longer be under their charming spell and WILL be able to break free - first mentally, physically and then emotionally. This book is an excellent tool to help you do that. Abuse to anyone will end when non abusive people realise that psychopaths/sociopaths 'operate' in society in various guises and are alerted to the methods they use to snare you. We are prey to the preditor. ' Confessions of a Sociopath' is an excellent read to understand their thinking ,( btw the author is a woman). It's time to live a happy, loving, fulfilling, exciting , challenging, happy empowering life. DO NOT SET YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP SOMEONE WARM. My love to all the survivors out there and to the Abusers your gig is up! It was nice for you whilst it lasted but it's over for you now. Review from a survivor held captive for 20years ( married). Now 2 1/2 years free!!

One of the finest books on domestic abuse WRITTEN BY MALE FOR FEMALE. This will help you MUCH MORE than talking to relatives/family members... Incase you want to resolve your married/relationship problems especially if it involves children. This is best book to look out for if you are undergoing divorce/custody of children or simply wonder if you are in abusive husband/boy friend. Though this book might look bit costly it's every bit cheaper considering the trauma & expenses you go through to figure out your suitation. Buy it. PS: This is even good for girls who are planning to get married soon and if they come from family which is almost always at cold war/nuke war. It will help you to know if the partner you have choose is worth YOUR life or not. Along this book I recommend the following books if you thoroughly want to live a life without unnecessary drama: 1) Co-dependent No More 2) Women Who love too much 3) Adult children of emotionally immature parents 4) Will I be good enough 5) Toxic parents 6) Controlling people This book is even worth reading for MEN if they want to be a better husband/son/father/brother/guardian. As they say "Make your own luck". Good luck.

Even though I grew up in a violently abusive home in which physical, emotional, and psychological abuse dominated every day, and I thought I knew a good bit about the subject from both personal experience and prior studies, I was profoundly surprised that I learned so much from Bancroft's book. Although not a Christian, the author's non-spiritual perspective nonetheless had clearer vision than many Christians, supposedly with eyes wide open. The author's professional career and lifetime of familiarity with abusers and their victims gives him a rare authority and insight. My theory is that Bancroft's shrewd, laser-like focus might not have been quite as sharp had he been trying to write a book that also captured spiritual realities. The author offers in spades a between-the-eyes, perspicuous, and relentless expose from cover to cover -- every word of which was welcome music for my ears as someone who has wrestled for a lifetime with analyzing, challenging, and overcoming his experiences with abuse. Throughout the reading, in addition to filling in personal gaps, I was able to use the book to help sort out details of the present tense abuse of someone I know well. The two are in process of divorcing and she has turned to me for counsel and understanding of situations that are intensely confusing and painful for her. The book could not have been more timely, and I found detail after detail that perfectly captured the many nuances of the sour relationship and enabled me to present a more accurate, comprehensive, and holistic counseling presence to her. Such is the enormous potential of the book for both Christians and non-Christians. It is one thing to view abusers through victim's eyes; it is quite another to view things through an abuser's eyes. Bancroft literally has seen and heard it all -- or more accurately, seen and heard through it all. Only someone who has been in the trenches with the worst of the worst for the long haul, and who has spent serious time with every type and level of abuser, could write with such explicit alacrity and utter lack of ambiguity. His perceptions have an X-ray quality, and his penetrating apprehension of the abuser's state of mind is irrefutable. One can imagine his clients suffering system shock as he deftly dismantles excuse after excuse, efficiently returning each and every attempt at blame-mongering to its rightful owner (them), and stopping in their tracks the most devious, manipulative attempts to excuse, justify, and minimize patterns and incidents of abuse. At first, I objected to the profanity in the testimonies, including the "f" word, until I thought through the matter further and realized that the worst in the book was by far the lightest I have experienced. From both the abuser's and victim's perspectives, a sanitized book might not have nearly the impact of this one. I thought at first that the author's exclusive focus on male abusers might be lopsided, but in several places he clearly included and acknowledged the more rare female abusers and male victims. Other than this and another minor criticism (not relevant here), I already have been recommending the book to others, including my friend above. In fact, I believe it should be required reading for all those in positions of influence, especially pastors and counselors. This is a highly practical, truth-packed, utterly reliable manual for understanding and helping both abusers and their victims come to terms with the ugly realities of domestic violence. The book offers distilled, spot-on advice at every turn, helping victims find their way out of the tangled web of the abuser's control, and helping abusers face the whole truth about their deep-seated entitlements in relationships and their heavily distorted views of the role and purpose of having a spouse. The author has wonderful, Robin Hood accurate sarcasm that absolutely nails the abusers often incredibly self-absorbed myopia. Nothing is funny, however, with abusers' often-deadly desire to completely control every aspect of another human being. Fully aware of the potential for escalating violence for many victims just to talk about the situation at home, Bancroft never blinks as he urgently confronts, exposes, teaches, and warns about this insidious evil. Not only is he able to see through every layer of abusers' cons, but he comprehensively and systematically unmasks their every move and motive. I found myself cheering the author on with each new page and chapter, so thankful that people exist with this rare insight and wisdom. At the same time, I experienced a wave of nausea, knowing how many countless abusers will never seek or be forced into treatment -- and what that will mean for their countless victims, many of whom are so thoroughly conned and wound into the abuser's web of control, that they likely will suffer interminably on a daily basis, possibly for the rest of their lives. This is a must read for anyone in any way involved in the life of even a single victim or abuser. The final chapters especially spoke to me. The following says it all: "Abusiveness is like poison ivy, with its extensive and entrenched root system. You can't eradicate it by lopping off the superficial signs. It has to come out by the roots, which are the man's attitudes and beliefs regarding partner relationships" (366). Another statement brings back my own childhood: "Partner abuse is a cyclone that leaves a swath of destruction behind it as it rips through the lives of women and children" (367). Bancroft sums his own work with a directive to abusers, for which I add a hearty amen to each volume-speaking point, which should be broadcast from rooftops: "Abuse is wrong; you are responsible for your own actions; no excuse is acceptable; the damage you are doing is incalculable; your problem is yours alone to solve" (376).

Why don’t we enlighten ourselves?

Lo compré hace mucho, pero nunca habia dejado la opinión. Tengo que decir que habla de casos super reales, de personas narcisistas y que son muy egoistas. La verdad que da ejemplos muy ilustrativos sobre como actuar cuando te encuentras ese tipo de casos con ese tipo de personas. A mi me describió completamente la última relación que tuve con un chico, y me abrió los ojos y a parte también me sentí identificada con un familiar muy cercano que tengo igual y he vivido momentos muy duros. Por lo que si estás en una mala relación, con personas narcisistas y egoistas te recomiendo leerlo porque te vas a sentir identificado. DIgo personas porque pienso que también hay mujeres así.

Having difficulties accepting that the relationship was emotional abuse, I did a lot of research which included reading this book. The book is insightful for all intimate partner relationships, but also for those who are in abusive relationships between parents and adult children. It outlines the fundamental ingredients of what abuse is, the various retaliation that occurs if you try to ask them to stop and why abusers do it, even when they know it is wrong. The basics doesn't change no matter the situation. Some wasn't relevant to me, but about 70% of the rest was. It was very insightful, and also helped create a solution about what I needed to do, accept that I cannot be responsible for other people's behaviour, abuse is not respect and self healing and self preservation is important. Forgiving yourself is OK. It has been a hard period of realization for me and this book helped. I like his comment of the 'wait and see' approach that many recipients do in a relationship and that we should not wait for a black eye before we separate and then we can call it abuse. I do wish he had a worksheet to confirm if it is likely indicators of abuse. This was missing, but not a big deal as there are other resources that can give you that validation. He did include a series of questions which I answered yes to all except for one and he does go into great detail of what abuse looks like. It helped validate numerous other points of assessments which included my doctor's. If you are looking for a resource and healing....especially when trying to move forward and decide what to do while going through counselling/therapy....really read this book. And like another reviewer below, I would 100% recommend to have your children read this book before they start dating. The inexperience of what a heathy relationship looks like can be an contributing factor that allows abuse to escalate and making it difficult to leave.